You Are Far More Interesting Sober

I Found Something Better Than Alcohol!

Hi there,

[Before we start, I want to be clear about one thing: this newsletter isn’t about judging or shaming anyone who struggles with alcohol addiction. Addiction is real, complex, and deeply personal. I’m talking here about social drinking culture and my own relationship with alcohol, not about recovery journeys that deserve respect and care.]

Despite the homeschooling, the chaos, and being together all day, every day, during Covid something unexpected happened in our house: my husband and I drank less. Believe me, nobody was more shocked than we were.

We realized something profound: our drinking had very little to do with liking alcohol itself. It was purely social. We drank because the people around us drank. When the social calendar disappeared, so did the desire, and once it was gone, we didn’t miss it. Not even during math homework. 🙃

As our social life slowly resumed, we found ourselves increasingly allergic to situations where alcohol was the only glue holding people together. We realized we had no shared values, no real curiosity, and no intimacy with some of our social circles, so we stopped going.

We learned that some relationships don’t survive sobriety, and that’s OK. Though it’s almost never fun to shrink your circle of friends, I’m too old to have relationships built entirely around drinking.

Then, recently I had a long conversation with a friend who’s been sober for a few months, and she confided in me that she drank with friends because she isn’t good enough, and needed the extra help to be less boring, smarter, and more interesting. And that now that she is no longer drinking, she’s feeling very insecure about her identify and personality. I gave her a hug and told her the truth (because it is the truth): she’s fun, a wonderful person, and far more interesting sober!

I know that the world is a dumpster fire and it’s hard not to numb. But what if the only way to change our lives (and maybe the world) is to stay sober enough to sit with what’s broken, what’s unbearable, and what demands our attention, instead of checking out?

Before anyone calls me a party pooper, I’m not anti-drinking. I’m just anti-alcohol being the crutch and the only language share.

And I think I found something far more powerful: safe community, a lot of laughter, telling the truth, showing up as myself, and staying present. That’s my drug of choice now, from which I get more clarity, fewer bad decisions, and zero hangovers.

I’m trying to build a life that I don’t need to escape from, one that doesn’t require dulling the edges to belong, or being inebriated to tolerate people I don’t like or spaces I’d rather not be in. I want relationships that are great when I’m fully sober, awake, and myself. I now plan long walks, morning coffee, non-alc drinks and delicious lunches and conversations with friends and smart people I like, or who need my help in any way. And of course sometimes we have dinner and drinks, but not too much because we don’t need alcohol to make our time interesting and fun – our presence is enough.

If you’re sober curious, I’ve been drinking Aplós for a few years now. I first learned about it because I met its wonderful co-founder, Emily Onkey, a Hamptons resident and a fellow mom. I tried it, and never bought another non-alcoholic beverage again. They recently sent me a box for Dry January, and we’ll be drinking it this month and all year long (no, I’m not writing this because they sent me the box. If you know me, you’ve seen me serve Aplós at our Matriark Salons, gifting friends, and drinking it at home). My favorite flavor is Chili Margarita, but I love their Sober Curious Bundle to sample their flavors.

They can also be used in cocktails with alcohol, so you don’t need to feel deprived. Try them out and let me know which one is your favorite, you can also get some recipe ideas here!

Either way, I hope don’t fall for that lie that you need booze to be a better version of yourself. You are far more interesting sober! Cheers, lots of love, and happy Dry January.

Here is a photo of the fun box I received from Emily and our friends at Aplós:

Talk to you next week!

Patricia