Hi there,
Welcome to summer… Pool parties, boat days, company retreats, lakeside picnics, and the bathing suit dread. Today I’m going to share with you some astonishing information about how women see themselves, give some tips on how to shop for bathing suits (and not feel crappy about it), and share 7 styles I love for this season.
In 1998, psychologists put women in either a swimsuit or a sweater, gave them a math test, and watched who did better as part of a study curiously titled “That Swimsuit Becomes You.” I mean, every woman could have told them they didn’t need the experiment to know the answer, but science needs receipts, so here we are.
Of course the women in the swimsuit performed measurably worse! Because who in their right mind can concentrate on anything in a bathing suit when all we can think about is how we look? Self-consciousness about the body literally hijacks our brain. When we’re thinking about how we look, we have less mental bandwidth for literally everything else. So the swimsuit didn’t change them, it became them. It consumed their attention so completely that they temporarily lost access to their own competence. Torture!
So according to psychology researchers, the swimsuit is a cognitive event. Even imagining trying on a swimsuit in a dressing room is enough to trigger self-objectification.
And even if we shop online and try them on alone at home, research shows that “the physical presence of observers is clearly not necessary.” We are our toughest audience. Sigh…
Do you remember the last time you were truly unselfconscious in a bathing suit? Maybe you are one of those lucky women who couldn’t care less and, if so, I admire you and also slightly resent you. But if you’d rather stick a pencil in your neck than be seen in a bathing suit, you are not alone. You are, it turns out, statistically very normal. Unfortunately.
80%. Insane. Skipping graduations, birthday parties, vacations, pool invitations, boat days, and opting out of their actual lives because we don’t think our bodies measure up.
Half of all women have looked at an invitation and thought “not if it means a swimsuit”. That is an unacceptable number of summers not fully lived!
A third of us are either gone from the beach, or watching from the shade in our clothes.
And then there’s the shopping problem itself:
The average woman owns 3 swimsuits. She owns 7 pairs of jeans and 17 pairs of shoes.
WHAT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Let’s be honest here. The swimsuit is not just exposing our bodies: it’s also exposing our messed up relationship with your bodies, which has been quietly shaped, since approximately puberty, by an industry that profits from our dissatisfaction.
We hate the dressing room because it forces us to evaluate our bodies the way we imagine others evaluate it — from the outside, as an object to be assessed. This happens with all clothing, but the more revealing the garment is, the higher the scrutiny.
The Dove Beauty Report found that 2 out of 3 women believe they’re expected to be more physically attractive than their mothers’ generation was. 2 in 5 said they’d give up a year of their life for their ideal body. We are trading actual, irretrievable time for a standard that keeps changing.
FIVE THINGS THAT ACTUALLY HELP (NOT “LOVE YOURSELF”)
I can’t stand the “love every inch of yourself!” approach. I rather be more practical and rely on research:
1. Go for fit, not size.
The number one confidence killer in a bathing suit is ill fit. A too-small suit doesn’t make you look smaller, it creates bulges that didn’t exist and discomfort that will haunt you all the way to the beach. Size is a number on a tag that no one else will ever see. What people see is how you carry yourself. Buy the size that fits. If you need to go up, go up. Nobody cares. You’ll feel the difference immediately. By the way, this is good advice for all clothing, but it is essential for bathing suits.
Here are some basic things to look for:
Structure and support at the bust: underwire, boning, or thick straps
Ruching or diagonal seaming at the waist: creates shape without compression
Dark solids or vertical prints: work with the body’s natural lines
High-cut legs: lengthen a shorter frame and create proportion
A tie or cinch at the waist: the simplest way to define a silhouette
2. Shop at home. Obviously.
We already know this is the best approach. But you need a method:
First, think about what you need them for (Laying by the beach? Running around a lake and jumping with your kids?). The function will determine style (1 piece? Bikini?), how strong you need the straps to be, etc.
Second, order multiple styles and sizes online (better chances to find something nice and not feel defeated). Obviously check the return and shipping fees policies first. Have them all come in at once if possible so you can compare them.
Third, try things on when you’re in a good headspace (don’t do it after a large meal… obvs. Think about parts of your body that you actually like: shoulders? Legs? Arms? Get into a good state of mind.)
Fourth, have some accessories around: flip flops, sarongs or kaftans – try the whole look, get in the mood and see what makes you FEEL great. Do not, under any circumstances, try to look for photos on their website featuring models wearing the pieces while you are trying them. Do not do this ever.
3. Shift the question from ‘How do I look?’ to ‘What am I doing, and How do I feel while I am doing it?’
This is the body neutrality move and it is remarkably effective. Redirect your attention to what your body is doing. You’re swimming, you’re jumping waves in the ocean, you’re watching your kid do a cannonball, you’re floating on something inflatable drinking something pink, and you are smiling and feeling amazing. A body doing a thing becomes much less available as an object to critique because you’re too busy using it.
“My kids aren’t going to remember how I looked in a swimsuit. But they will remember the fun we had in the pool.” That’s it.
4. Forget body positivity. Try body neutrality instead.
Body positivity asks you to look in the mirror and love what you see. Body neutrality asks something more achievable: your body is not a project. It doesn’t need to be fixed or celebrated. It carried you here. It will carry you to the pool, and it is sufficient. Research consistently finds this approach more effective at reducing body dissatisfaction than the love-yourself version which, for many women, just adds another thing to feel like they’re failing at.
I personally like to be grateful for my body – how it takes me from my house to the beach, for example, and how great it’s been to me over the years. I don’t need to love it, I’m just grateful for it and I think it deserves a beautiful bathing suit.
NOW ON TO THE FUN PART
Here are some gorgeous swimwear to get started. Get inspired by them and have fun shopping!
Seersucker gingham - the best summer combo, in a balconette bikini top with underwire support and bottom.
A beautiful blue and strategic rushing on a very glamorous strapless piece - AND it’s on sale.
Another great combo with leopard and scalloped edges, perfect as a body suit under a fun skirt or a sarong.
A striking piece, a collaboration with Burberry, in an iconic crinkled fabric.
The original zig zag , in a halter swimsuit and a flattering color combo.
A sexy corseted one-piece that comes in many colors (there is a nize zipper detail on the back too!). I just bought this!
A great bikini top and bottom by an amazing Brazilian brand I used to sell in my shop in Sag Harbor. They have tons of cover-ups too, so check them out.
JUST GO TO THE PARTY
Nobody is studying you the way you are studying yourself. They are eating chips, arguing about who forgot the sunscreen, refilling their rosé and living their lives. And if they do judge, who cares?
The swimsuit does not have to become you. You are allowed to put it on, walk out the door, and be at the party — present, distracted by conversation and delicious drinks and the actual pleasure of being in water on a hot day, instead of managing your visibility from the sideline.
Go. Take the picture. Get in the water. Your kids will remember.
And if you’re still not feeling it, wear shorts and a tee, throw on a kaftan, do whatever you need to do. But don’t miss the party because of the clothes. Just go.
Sending love and summer courage,
Patricia