* If you prefer audio, you can listen to this newsletter on Substack. Just find the play button on the top right corner.

THE EPIDEMIC

Let’s call it what it is. Comparisonitis. It’s not a clinical diagnosis, but a term that organizational psychologists now use to describe the chronic, habitual loop of measuring ourselves against others until we’re too demoralized to move. It is, at this point, an epidemic. Social media didn’t invent it, but Instagram has absolutely turbocharged it into something we’ve never seen before at this scale.

We’ve all known this instinctively for years. I feel it on a daily basis. But it was through my advisory work with women founders that I realized that, not only it wasn’t just me, but it was everyone. The same story session after session, across industries, across very different women. Brilliant women, with real ideas and real capability, all frozen. Because they opened Instagram and saw someone doing something adjacent, and decided on the spot that it had already been done by someone better.

After watching so many people (myself included) suffer through this, I decided I had to go looking for answers. I’ve been looking at this for months, and today I’m sharing what I found. Why we do this, how it freezes us, my own spiral before pushing “publish” on this newsletter, and six things that actually help. I hope by the end of this you feel a little less alone in it, and a little more ready to live your life like nobody’s watching. Because, as it turns out, they really aren’t.

WHY WE DO THIS: looking sideways and upward social comparison

It’s normal for all humans to look sideways at other people as a way to evaluate themselves (called the Social Comparison Theory proposed by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954). But research consistently shows that women engage in upward social comparison — measuring themselves against people they perceive as more successful, more put-together, further along — more frequently than men, and are far more likely to internalize the damage afterward. Men tend to deflect (“different circumstances,” “she got lucky”). Women absorb it directly into their sense of self. They are both comparing, but with very different aftermath.

And Instagram is a near-perfect machine for this because in most things that actually matter — am I a good enough mother, is my work meaningful, is my life adding up to something — there is no actual objective score. So we outsource the verdict to other people’s curated feed of best moments, and we use that as our mirror. No wonder we are all reeling with insecurity.

THE FREEZE: the spotlight that isn’t even on you

Psychologists Gilovich and Savitsky identified something called the Spotlight Effect — our consistent tendency to believe we are being observed and judged far more than we actually are. We walk through our lives convinced the room is paying attention to us: to our choices, our bodies, our work, our failures. It isn’t. Everyone else is too busy being convinced the room is paying attention to them.

This matters because comparisonitis feeds on that imaginary audience. You’re not just afraid you’re falling short, you’re afraid everyone can see it.

The shame of feeling behind is bad enough. But the belief that it’s obvious and visible, and that people are clocking the gap between you and others is what turns a passing moment of self-doubt into a full freeze. The spotlight isn’t real but the paralysis it causes very much is.

WHAT THE DATA SAYS: what hits us the most, how women lose it, and the self-defeating cycle.

Research has found that when we scroll through idealized images and lives on social media, we don’t feel bad about everything — we feel bad about the specific things that matter most to us personally. A writer feels like a fraud. A mother feels like she’s failing. A founder feels like she’s already been lapped.

To make matters worse for women, the “better than average” effect (Svenson, 1981) shows that most people naturally rate themselves above average on most things but men maintain this bias even after repeated failure, and women lose it faster and take longer to rebuild it. Every scroll accelerates that loss.

And to tie everything with a crazy self-defeating bow, just like women are conditioned to judge their bodies through someone else’s eyes, we do the exact same thing with everything else we create or care for. The newsletter, the home, the children, the relationship — they all become extensions of us, waiting to be graded. No wonder a bad scroll can level us.

A CONFESSION: this newsletter almost didn’t happen

I’m not a professional writer, nor do I have a degree in journalism, and English is not my first language. I didn’t come from fashion editorial, newspapers, or digital media. When I joined Substack, I was very intimidated by the caliber of the writers here, and I was convinced that, not only someone had already brilliantly covered every topic I thought of, but when I finally decide to write about it, I will be judged for being a terrible writer.

I had talked myself out of it approximately forty times before I finally hit “publish”. The voice in my head was relentless: “Who do I think I am to write anything here? I don’t belong here, and whatever I decide to write has already been done by someone better”. Sounds familiar?

That voice is still here, and sometimes it’s very loud. I still feel the anxiety every time I send you this newsletter. I often catch myself sliding into comparison mode, but I’ve learned a few things that help me interrupt the loop before it freezes me. I am sharing them below, and I hope it’s helpful to you too.

WHAT I TELL MY CLIENTS — AND MYSELF: six ways to get your blinders on

Though I’m not a life coach (my work is focused on brand and retail strategy), nothing will get done if the Founder is paralyzed with fear and comparisonitis. So I often share these practical and grounded tools I use for getting out of the comparison loop and back into my own life.

One last thing worth saying out loud. There is nothing wrong with us. Comparisonitis isn’t a personal failing, it’s just a product of well designed platforms that need all of us feeling inadequate, scrolling and engaging to continue to make billions of dollars. The strategies I shared above are meant to remind us that this system is built to keep us consuming instead of living.

So put the blinders on, and get back to your full, beautiful, imperfect life. Your chapter five is the only one that matters right now.

Sending love,

Patricia

PS: If you are an entrepreneur and need help with your brand, check my credentials and some of my advisory work HERE. You can also schedule a Discovery Call HERE so we can chat and see if we are a good fit.

Share THE MATRIARK NEWSLETTER

* If you prefer audio, you can listen to this newsletter on Substack. Just find the play button on the top right corner.

Hi there,

If you’ve been anywhere near the internet this week, you’ve heard about Emma Grede’s book “Start With Yourself”, and the firestorm around her comments about working from home and spending three hours a day with her children. I have thoughts about that, and I may share them one day, but I didn’t want to wait another minute to talk about what it’s the most universal and urgent part of her book: the chapter on money.

Buried inside what is technically a business book is the most urgent chapter every woman needs to read. Stay-at-home mom, entrepreneurs, women in corporate careers, all of the above, or none of the above — the way Emma has learned to think about money, how she navigates the world, and her energy and passion for taking responsibility for her own fate are stunning lessons every single one of us can benefit from.

I honestly wasn’t expecting to be so taken by her. Of course I knew she is smart and charismatic, but I didn’t expect to appreciate this woman so much for her candor and mental strength. This woman is a force. I listened to the audiobook, and Emma speaks the way she apparently lives: with urgency, without apology, and without the polite hedging most of us have been trained to perform around money.

This is not the first time I’ve raised my voice about this. Some of you have been here long enough to remember when I recorded a podcast called WEALTHY specifically to talk to women about what they do and how they do it — and I ended every single conversation with the same question: Did you talk about money growing up? The answers were almost always the same. No.

Money is vital for everyone, and understanding our relationship with it — and actively working to change it — cannot wait. Whether you like Emma or not, or if you support her businesses or not, is not the point. Go buy the book, if only to read this part. It’s Track 14 on the audiobook on Spotify. 😊 My hardcopy in in the mail, and I’ll like to keep it on my desk. Now here are my biggest takeaways from what Emma wrote.

1. The Silence Is Costing Us

I loved how Emma explains this issue of silence because it’s true everywhere.

Despite running her own podcast and interviewing some of the most powerful women in business, she can’t get her female guests to speak candidly about capital raises, compensation, or deal structures — even off the mic.

Then she interviews Michael Rubin (founder of Fanatics, a $30 billion business), and when she asks him every money question, he answers them all, with zero shame or anxiety.

Often times women feel that talking about money is not elegant. Emma’s response is pure gold: “When we feel like it’s inelegant to talk about money, money has a way of elegantly passing us by.”

Elegance is buying your first house. Elegance is traveling on your own dime. Elegance is not having to ask anyone for permission to make a decision about your own life.

2. Money Is Not the Enemy

Emma is direct about something many women I know still resist hearing: money is neutral, and it’s foundational. Money buys space, ease, convenience, support, security, and access to opportunity. You can be a deeply ethical person and earn exceptionally well. You can care about the world and insist on being paid what you are worth. You can create culturally meaningful work and be compensated generously for it. These are not competing values, and liking money doesn’t make you a bad person.

3. Find Your Money Story + Stop Avoiding Money

I think most women already know this. Many of us arrive at adulthood carrying a distorted relationship with money, shaped by how our families talked about it (or didn’t). What did money mean in your house growing up? Was it discussed openly or hidden? Was it a source of conflict, of anxiety, of silence? Because whatever the answer is, it’s still shaping your decisions today.

Emma traces her own financial clarity back to her mother, who sat at the kitchen table every month, wrote the checks, balanced the accounts, and treated the bills as a basic reality of life, not a source of shame or something to avoid. She contrasts this with daughters of other single mothers whose mothers would stuff bills in the couch cushions or throw them away unopened because they couldn’t bring themselves to look. She calls for exposure therapy: think about money constantly, look at it directly, and stop turning away. I think that’s a great idea.

4. Scarcity Is a Magic Trick

One of Emma’s most powerful arguments is that scarcity — the feeling that there is only so much to go around, that if she gets more you get less — is largely engineered. It’s a made up story that disproportionately traps women.

She hears male colleagues and bankers openly sharing deal structures, and pay packages. They see other men succeeding and think: if him, why not me?

And women are fed a constant message that it’s winner-take-all. That there is one seat at the table, one shot, one window. And because we have so few visible models of success, we believe it.

Get out of your scarcity mindset and stop accepting the terms of a game designed to keep you distracted from your own value.

5. Stop Being The Last Person You Advocate For

Every time HR comes to Emma needing sign-off to exceed a salary band, it’s always because a man negotiated his way up to her. The women, with rare exceptions, accepted what they were offered.

Her negotiation framework is blunt and I love her for it: assume you are being paid less than you are worth and ask for more. Don’t over-explain and state the ask, never take the first offer, and most urgently: strip the language of pre-emptive defeat from your communications. I am guilty as anyone in doing this: No worries if this doesn’t work. This is of course negotiable. Sorry to bother you. Every time you write those words you are negotiating against yourself before the other person has said a word. Practice saying what you mean without the cushion. It gets easier, but only if you practice.

6. What Emma Is Asking You to Do — And I Co-Sign It!

Emma ends her chapter section with a direct call to action, and I want to add my name to every word of it.

Talk about money — openly, with your friends, your colleagues, your daughters. Don’t let anyone make you feel that caring about your financial security makes you less refined, less spiritual, less good.

Learn your own finances. Understand your mortgage rate, your retirement accounts, your investment vehicles. Don’t outsource your financial literacy to a partner, a parent, or an advisor without insisting on understanding every decision being made on your behalf. What Emma said about her husband is a mic crop in itself: She said she trusts her husband completely because knowing where you stand takes the stress of dependence out of the equation entirely. This is an incredible way to see financial independence inside of a relationship.

Find out what your work is worth in the market, and then share that information with other women, with full details intact. This is one of the most direct, immediate things we can do for each other. Men do this constantly. We can too.

Make introductions to your accountants, bankers, and lawyers. These networks are currency, so share them often.

Know your value. State it without apology.

Make a financial plan. Now.

Sending love,

Patricia

* Pro-tip: if you prefer audio, you can listen to this newsletter on Substack. Just find the play button on the top right corner!

Hi there,

A working woman makes a ton of money, has an affair, gets caught, and when confronted, tells her husband she loves him — but asks for the divorce a day later. She packs her bags and walks out the door without saying goodbye to their children. She moves to a two-bedroom apartment, and when her 12-year-old daughter wants a bedroom at her new place, she declines and turns the spare room into a home office instead. She also declines a proposal from her husband of a 50/50 custody agreement, keeping only dinner on Thursday nights. She tells her husband she is “done with that stage of her life where she would parent a child.” All of this during the quarantine in 2020.

When she comes back to the house to tell the girls about the divorce, she doesn’t even take off her coat, but proceeds to ask her husband — who is still in shock from being cheated on and abandoned — to make her a sandwich. He obliges to not make the situation even more stressful for his children.

What would the internet call this woman? Can you just imagine?

And what would they say about the man? Would they say “Why did he make her a sandwich? Her husband is a doormat”? Or “He’s a rich man, so he doesn’t deserve any sympathy”? Would they say “he should have known better, it’s his fault she she changed their prenup”? I think not. My guess is the public would condemn this woman as a selfish witch to be shamed in public, and this man is a hero for putting the kids first and being civil even though he was betrayed.

This story, although real, happened in reverse. This happened to Belle Burden, and her husband was the one who cheated, as she detailed in her New York Times bestselling book Strangers. The internet is angry for her and she has a lot of support. But I’ve been baffled by the criticism, which has been equally passionate.

It turns out, when people can’t defend the man, they find another way to blame the woman. In Belle’s case, it was her privilege, and this is what I want to discuss this week.

Belle’s grandmother was Babe Paley, the iconic NYC socialite and Vogue editor. Her father Carter Burden was a New York City councilman, a descendant of the Vanderbilt family, and the former owner of The Village Voice and New York Magazine. Belle went to Harvard. She has trust funds, plural, and she acknowledges all of this openly in the book.

Belle is what pop culture would call the ultimate trust fund baby. Or a nepo baby. A white, blonde, beautiful, and wealthy woman. Privileged indeed.

Well, that’s exactly what’s happening. Her wealth isn’t being used to contextualize her story. It’s being used to dismiss it. And when we dismiss it, saying she’s too rich, too connected, and too privileged to deserve compassion, aren’t we still doing the same thing : centering the woman’s behavior and ignoring the man’s?

Listen, I’m no white privilege apologist, and I’m not saying Belle Burden needs saving. Yes, a wealthy woman’s resources will most certainly cushion a crisis or a tragic situation. I am well aware of the system’s inequalities, and I’m not here to defend them. But think about it: if this is the kind of backlash a white, wealthy, well-connected woman endures, I can only imagine what a woman of color would face in the same situation.

We are saying that most of us will never pass the test — we are not struggling enough, not broke enough, not powerless enough, not likable enough, not thin enough, not modest enough, not feminine enough, not (fill in the blanks) enough. And we never will because the goal post is ever-changing — perfectly designed to make whatever happened the woman's responsibility. In Belle’s case, it’s her wealth and social status that serves as the “yes, but.”

I wrote about this same pattern a few weeks ago with Kristin Cabot. And here it is again: a different story, a different woman, the same mechanism. When a man behaves badly, we examine the woman. And we hold her accountable for not predicting, preventing, or perfectly responding to his failures.

Belle Burden said that women have been taught to “fill in the hole that men left, to be quiet about men behaving badly, to move on with grace.” She described breaking that silence as feeling like jumping off a cliff — terrifying and exhilarating — because she was setting fire to the rules she had always lived by.

And how did some women respond to this?

They called her a doormat and said she should have known better.

Before Belle wrote the book, she published an essay about it - which her ex approved. Belle recounts that Henry didn’t really see anything wrong with the narrative, and that he believed that, as a man, he was allowed to leave in this way.

The only people who can prove him wrong are us. Not by turning against each other, but by refusing to.

Sending love,

Patricia

Our clothes aren’t just communicating to other people, they’re communicating to us. And we can activate that effect intentionally by assigning conscious meaning to what we wear.

* Pro-tip: if you prefer audio, you can listen to this newsletter on Substack. Just find the play button on the top right corner!

Hi there,

I want to start this newsletter by thanking everyone who read and responded to my previous newsletter about Kristin Cabot. Wow, what a sore subject for women! Some of the comments on my Instagram post are insane, and they just prove how much works still needs to be done. Stay tuned for more deep dives about relationships and friendships, we need to keep talking about how we show up (or don’t) for each other.

This week I want to discuss confidence. I like The Oxford English Dictionary’s definition: a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities. It puts the origin where it belongs: inside us, not in other people’s reactions. Before confidence is perceived by anyone else, it has to be felt internally by us.

We tend to think of confidence as something we need for the big moments, like the salary negotiation, the difficult conversation, the pitch to a new client.

But I’d argue we need it even more in the small ones, like when we want to raise our hand in a meeting and ask the question everyone else is too afraid to ask. When we need to say no to the thing that doesn’t serve us, even when saying yes would be easier. Or when we decide to try the thing we’ve been thinking about for years — the business, the book, the move — instead of waiting until we feel ‘ready,’ which may never come.

And I believe confidence is passed down, not necessarily genetically, but visually and energetically. Our kids are watching, and when they see us comfortable in our own skin — asking questions, saying no and trying new things — it gives them permission to do the same.

So I did some research, and picked 6 things you can wear (1 of them is invisible), and 1 that you should not wear - small yet fascinating things I learned that you can start doing today.

6 Things To Wear

1. Start with Your Shoulders

This one sounds simple, but it does more than you think. A garment that sits correctly on your shoulders naturally pulls your posture open — chest lifted, spine straight — without you having to think about it. Professor Karen Pine at the University of Hertfordshire found that when women feel stressed or unhappy, they neglect over 90% of their wardrobe and default to baggy, body-hiding clothes. It’s an understandable instinct to shrink, camouflage, and disappear. But the research suggests the opposite helps more: wearing something that fits well, flatters your body, and reminds you of a time you felt good. The shoulders are where this starts. When your jacket fits there, everything else follows.

2. The Texture Secret

This is the one most people don’t think about. The texture of what’s touching your skin all day is sending constant signals to your brain through your somatosensory system — the network that connects touch to emotion. Research in textile psychology shows that soft, smooth fabrics promote relaxation and reduce cortisol, while rough or stiff textures can trigger low-level stress and anxiety that you may not even consciously register. That silk lining, the weight of a well-made wool blazer on your shoulders, the softness of quality cotton against your wrists aren’t luxuries. They’re neurological inputs that either support or quietly undermine your confidence all day long. The next time you reach for something in your closet, close your eyes and touch it first. If it doesn’t feel good in your hand, it won’t feel good on your body. And your brain will know the difference.

3. Enclothed Cognition: Give Your Outfit a Story

Our clothes aren’t just communicating to other people, they’re communicating to us. And you can activate that effect intentionally by assigning conscious meaning to what you put on.

Researchers Hajo Adam and Adam Galinsky coined the term Enclothed cognition in a study that shows that what we wear influences how we think, feel, and act.

Participants who wore a white lab coat described as a “doctor’s coat” showed an increase in focus and attention. But when the identical coat was described as a “painter’s coat,” or when participants didn’t actually wear the coat, there was no cognitive boost. Only when they wore it and believed it carried a specific meaning did their performance change.

So try this: before you leave the house, give what you’re wearing a meaningful story. Wear that blouse because red is your power color. Put on that lucky blazer that you wore when you closed that deal. Wear your grandmother’s pearl necklace, it carries her strength. The science says the boost comes from what you believe about what you’re wearing, not from what anyone else sees.

4. Go Monochrome

Wearing a single color from head to toe does something subtle but powerful: it eliminates the low-grade decision fatigue of wondering whether your pieces “go together” and projects a unified visual identity that reads as intentional and authoritative. A 2014 study in Color Research & Application found that wearing red increased feelings of confidence and attractiveness. But here’s the insight that matters more than the specific color: coherence increases confidence. An all-cream look, a full tonal navy, head-to-toe espresso — the monochrome signals to your own brain: I thought about this, I’m deliberate, and I’m in control. Try it for a day and notice how it changes not just how others respond to you, but how you feel moving through your own life.

5. Get Dressed on Purpose — Even When No One Will See You

The act of intentionally choosing what to wear is a psychological ritual that signals to your brain that the day has started. Professor Karen Pine’s research found that choosing uplifting clothes, even on a day you’re not leaving the house, can help shift a low mood. And here’s the flip side that’s equally important: staying in pajamas makes your brain read it as rest mode. You’re not just comfortable, you’re cognitively downshifted. I’m not saying wear a blazer to make coffee. I’m saying put something on that makes you feel like you, and you may feel a lot more confident in your Zoom meetings.

6. Scent: The Invisible Clothing

In previous studies, 65% of women surveyed reported feeling more confident when they wore perfume. Wearing a scent doesn't just change how others perceive you, it changes how you carry yourself. Perfume works like enclothed cognition for your nose. When you spray something that makes you feel powerful, your body language follows. You fidget less and stand differently.

In a study by Higuchi et al. (2005), video observers rated women wearing perfume as more confident, and video analysis confirmed that there were fewer anxious behaviors — such as face touching and fidgeting — when the women wore fragrance. Here’s the fascinating part: when men wore a scented deodorant and were videotaped introducing themselves, women (who couldn’t smell anything) rated them as more attractive on muted video. The confidence the scent gave the wearer changed their body language enough to be visible on screen.

So if you have a favorite scent, wear it when you need a little confidence boost.

What NOT To Wear

Women are much more likely than men to wear painful, distracting, or restricting clothing. And if you spend the day tugging, adjusting, or sucking in, your clothing is stealing your cognitive resources. Every time you pull down a hem, adjust a strap, or check whether something is riding up, you’re redirecting brainpower away from the meeting, the conversation, or the idea toward managing your appearance. The research calls it self-objectification.

So don’t choose ill-fitting, too tight or too lose, or any clothes that are going to make you feel self conscious. Your confidence level will tank, and nobody needs that. Remember that you should wear the clothes - and not the clothes wearing you.

None of these are about performing confidence for other people. That’s a different conversation — and it’s one we’ll have soon, because how women are perceived based on how we have to present externally, and the double standards that come with that, deserves its own space.

Today is about the inside job. Confidence isn’t something you either have or you don’t. It’s something you practice every day. Fashion can be a powerful thing. Use it to your advantage.

Sending love,

Patricia

Before we start, a pro-tip: if you prefer audio, you can listen to this newsletter on Substack. Just find the play button on the top right corner!

And thank you ll for coming to Veronica Beard last week. We had a GREAT turn out and it was so much fun raising money for CaringKind. Veronica Beard donated 15% of all proceeds of our event, and we are so grateful. I got myself a gorgeous pink jacket, and loved it so much I ended up getting it in khaki with a matching pant. I’ll wear this suit year round. More fun things to come, thanks again for showing up for a great cause!

Hi there,

Have you seen Oprah’s interview with Kristin Cabot? You know, the woman caught on the Coldplay kiss cam last summer with her boss, in what became the most watched video of 2025. Three hundred billion views (!) of fifteen seconds that she will never forget.

Well, spoil alert: it turns out that Kristin Cabot was already separated from her husband. Living apart, planning a divorce, amicably and quietly, like adults. Her husband was at the same concert that night, with someone else. He supported her then, and he supports her now.

None of that mattered.

What followed was over fifty death threats, a radio station broadcasting her home address, paparazzi stalking her for weeks, strangers trespassing to peer through her windows, and — my personal favorite — a group of grown women surrounding her car at her teenage son’s workplace, screaming at her while the boy watched. Her children were afraid they were going to die. Every inch of her appearance was dissected online for apparently wrecking the home of her innocent boss, who by the way told her he was separated too. She was accused of sleeping her way to the top despite her successful 25-year career before the scandal. Was it right for the head of HR to get with her boss? Of course not. But didn’t the boss also get with the head of HR?

That man, the boss and CEO is Andy Byron. He quietly resigned, has never been harassed (and if he was, for sure not even close to the extent that she was), hasn’t had his body scrutinized or his home invaded or his children terrorized. He simply… disappeared into peace, and into his next chapter.

Through it all, what surprised Kristin Cabot the most was that the majority of the cruel, sometimes violent and aggressive reactions came from women. But why are we surprised? We’ve seen this movie, and sadly we know how it ends.

Janet Jackson didn’t rip her own costume off at the Super Bowl. Justin Timberlake did. She was blacklisted from radio, MTV, and the Grammys, and highly judged by women. He won two Grammys that same week, and was invited back to headline the Super Bowl fourteen years later.

Monica Lewinsky, then a 22-year-old intern, became a punchline for a generation, with the harshest judgement coming from women. How she lived through that and overcame the trauma is a miracle to me. Bill Clinton kept the presidency, the foundation, the speaking fees, and the legacy.

Britney Spears was dumped, then publicly humiliated by her ex-boyfriend on every talk show in America, and highly criticized by women before she wrote a book years later sharing that she had an abortion because he wasn’t ready to be a father — the same Justin Timberlake, by the way, the man really does collect these. He left unscathed, and went on to make movies, and win awards.

In the court of public opinion, women burn other women. And let the men walk.

And here’s what should really bother us: men don’t do this to each other. They don’t dissect each other’s hairlines or weight or outfit choices. They don’t form groups in parking lots to scream at each other. They don’t make it their personal mission to destroy another man’s reputation over a fifteen-second clip.

We could learn something from that. I’m not suggesting we become complicit and silent like the men in the Epstein files (I wrote this article about that), or condone bad behavior on women just because of their gender. But we should refuse to destroy a woman’s life, especially when we don’t even know their story. Tearing each other apart doesn’t elevate the group — it just makes all women look like high-school girls.

While we are here, ripping each other to shreds over fifteen seconds of kiss cam footage, they are holding their positions. They are keeping their seats at the table. They are watching us fight over crumbs while they eat the meal.

So I wanted to understand why. Why do we do this to each other? What is it in us — smart, empathetic, supposedly evolved women — that makes us reach for the knife the moment one of our own stumbles? I went looking for answers. What I found was infuriating, uncomfortable, and — if we’re honest with ourselves — very familiar.

Here’s what I learned.

The Receipts

Before we get to the uncomfortable question at the center of all of this, let’s establish something: this is not anecdotal. The data is in, and it is damning.

The American Psychological Association published a study showing that organizations led by women face greater public punishment after ethical failures than those led by men — because we expect women to be moral, communal, and nurturing. When they fall short, we punish them for violating an identity we assigned to them without their consent.

A 2025 study in Politics & Gender published by Cambridge University Press tested 1,700 Americans and found that when a male political candidate deviated from his party’s platform, voters shrugged it off. When a woman did the same thing, her approval dropped by 11 points — roughly the same penalty as being caught embezzling.

Let that sink in: a woman having her own opinion costs her the same credibility as a man committing a financial crime.

A European study commissioned by the European Women’s Lobby (EWL) found women are 27 times more likely to face online harassment than men. And 92% of women who experience online violence say it negatively impacts their wellbeing, which is a politely clinical way of saying it breaks them.

And here’s the number that should make every woman reading this sit with herself for a moment: a UK think tank Demos analyzed hundreds of thousands of tweets using the words “slut” and “whore.” Accounts with male names sent those words 116,530 times. Accounts with female names: 94,546.

We are nearly neck and neck with men in the act of tearing each other apart.

The Million-Dollar Question: WHY?

Why do we do this to each other? Why did a group of grown women think it was appropriate — righteous, even — to surround Kristin Cabot’s car and scream at her in front of her child? Why did women across the internet spend more energy mocking her appearance than questioning the silence of the man standing right next to her?

Kristin herself tried to make sense of it on Oprah’s podcast. She said she thinks she became representative of something that touches on a lot of fear in people. She became a symbol — the other woman. The homewrecker, the threat. Except here’s the thing about that narrative: for there to be an “other woman,” the man has to be at fault too. He has to be the one breaking a vow, making a choice, walking into that concert with her. Andy Byron was right there, but the fury landed on her. Because the “other woman” story gives us a villain we feel entitled to destroy, and it is almost never the man.

There is no single answer to the question of why. But there are several theories, and every one of them should make us furious — not at each other, but at the system that taught us this behavior in the first place.

Could it be internalized misogyny?

Internalized misogyny is what happens when women absorb the culture’s contempt for women and start running it like their own operating system. It’s not conscious, it’s the water we swim in. Researchers describe it as the phenomenon where women evaluate other women using the exact stereotypes that were designed to diminish all of us — policing appearance, scrutinizing private lives, labeling and mocking each other to decrease each other’s perceived worth. Psychologists have identified three core expressions: devaluation of women, distrust of women, and gender bias in favor of men. And women score on all three. Every single one of us. Because we were raised in the same culture that told us, from the playground forward, that women are less reliable, less rational, less trustworthy than men. We internalized the message, and now we enforce it — on each other.

Could it be intrasexual competition?

This one gets uncomfortable. Researchers at McMaster University introduced an attractively dressed woman to pairs of female study participants. When she wore a low-cut top and short skirt, the other women reacted aggressively, mocking her, rolling their eyes, making cutting remarks behind her back. When the same woman wore jeans and a T-shirt, there was barely a reaction. The lead researcher concluded that the policing of female sexuality is driven largely by women themselves.

Could it be status policing?

A now-famous ethnographic study embedded researchers in a university dorm for an entire year. They found that women across every social tier used the word “slut” — but it almost never had anything to do with sex. Higher-status women used it to mean low-class or trashy. Lower-status women used it to mean snobby or mean. The label was a weapon of hierarchy, not morality. It functioned as a border patrol system: You do not belong here. Stay in your lane. A separate study at Cornell reinforced the pattern — women rated a fictional peer with 20 sexual partners as less competent, less warm, and less emotionally stable than one with 2 partners. Even women who were themselves sexually active made these judgments. We punish in others what we fear being punished for ourselves.

Could it be the patriarchal bargain?

This is the one that should keep us up at night. Scholars describe internalized misogyny as a tool — designed by patriarchy to keep women subordinate by redirecting their energy from opposing the system to fighting each other. When women enforce the rules of respectability on other women, they are performing the system’s maintenance for free. Every time we pile on another woman — in a comment section, in a parking lot, in a group text — we are doing the work the system needs us to do to keep itself running. We become the enforcers of our own oppression. And we do it thinking we’re on the right side.

What Now

We are not bad people! But internalized misogyny is real, intrasexual competition is biological, status policing is sociological, and the patriarchal bargain is structural. These are deep, ancient forces, and none of us are immune.

We could be Kristin Cabot. Any one of us. Fifteen seconds is all it takes to destroy someone’s life. The next time a woman’s face goes viral for the wrong reasons, or she wears something we feel threaten by, or she makes a big mistake in public, before we click, comment, share the meme, and gossip, let’s ask ourselves these questions:

Would men be judged the same way? Is turning against her and destroying her life the solution for this problem? And if a man is involved, why isn’t he paying the same price?

Sending love,

Patricia

Hi there,

I want to start by saying THANK YOU. The fact that you chose to pay for this newsletter, and to financially support Matriark and my work means more to me than I can put into words. I don’t take that lightly.

I’m writing to you today with some good news about a change I’m making, and the reasons for them.

What’s Changing

Effective immediately, I’m…

Read more

Hi there,

Before we start, I want to remind you of this special event I am co-hosting to benefit CaringKind, a trusted partner in brain health, supporting families and individuals impacted by Alzheimer’s and related dementia.

I’m so honored to have been selected to join 100 WOMEN OF IMPACT, convened by CaringKind, a national movement of women leaders committed to shaping the future of brain health and well-being. Guided by shared purpose and compassion, we champion research that confirms Alzheimer’s and related dementia risk can be significantly reduced by up to 40%.

Please join me alongside my co-host’s and fellow Women Of Impact Meredith Burns, Melissa Breitbart, Jan Planit, and Amber Rae on Friday, March 27th from 12:30–2:30 PM at Veronica Beard in Southampton. I hope to see you there!

OK, onwards to this week’s newsletter!

PS: Pro-tip: if you prefer audio, you can listen to this newsletter on Substack. Just find the play button on the top right corner!

Some of the statistics cited in this newsletter are based on published medical research available at the time of writing, and others were shared with me with my doctor in 2018. Please consult your own healthcare team for the most current information and personalized medical advice. This is a personal story, not medical guidance.

You may remember back in 2013, when Angelina Jolie wrote an op-ed at the of The New York Times titled “My Medical Choice,” revealing that she carried the BRCA1 gene mutation. That gave her an estimated 87% risk of breast cancer and a 50% risk of ovarian cancer, and she shared she had already undergone a preventive double mastectomy. Two years later, she followed with the removal of her ovaries and fallopian tubes.

Referrals for genetic counseling doubled. BRCA testing surged 64%. Women who had been quietly terrified suddenly had permission to ask more questions, and choose. They called it the “Angelina Effect.”

Today, prophylactic mastectomies are far more common than they were in 2013. But it’s major surgery, and a deeply personal decision, and it requires more information than most of us are given when we need it most.

I know, because I lived it.

The Phone Call

In 2018, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My former doctor called me and simply said “I’m sorry, you have breast cancer. Youn need to find a surgeon and an oncologist, so get your pathology reports sent over. I have no more information.” (I also wrote about this here). Now you know why she is no longer my doctor.

I didn’t even know there was more than one type of breast cancer. I thought cancer was cancer, the big, terrifying, C word. I hung up the phone and the only thought in my mind, on an absolute loop, was: I can’t die. I need to be here for my kids.

What followed was two weeks of bureaucratic chaos. Calling the hospital to get pathology reports sent to Memorial Sloan Kettering (a full-time job in itself), then my surgeon requesting an entirely new pathology analysis to confirm the diagnosis. Two weeks of not knowing if I was facing something survivable or something catastrophic was torture.

Thankfully, my cancer was caught in the earliest form, and it was non-invasive, encapsulated. The five-year survival rate was over 99%. I exhaled for the first time in fourteen days.

“It’s Not Necessary”. Why I Did It Anyway.

My instinct from the start was to have a mastectomy. Just get rid of it. But my surgeon, rightly so (medically speaking), told me it wasn’t necessary. She walked me through the statistics: the 10-year survival rate was 98% regardless of treatment approach after surgery. The recurrence rate after lumpectomy and radiation was from 5 to 15% in 10 years. The annual risk of developing cancer in the other breast was about roughly 5-6% at 10 years, about 10% over 25 years.

(These are the statistics she shared with me then; current numbers may vary.)

The numbers seemed to be in my favor. I was distraught, exhausted from the diagnostic saga, and just wanted someone to get the cancer out of me so I could get on with my life. So we did a lumpectomy and radiation. When radiation ended, I was relieved and got right back to my life.

But here’s what no one told me : when the treatment ends, the anxiety begins. At least for me, it did.

Every year, I went for my screening, and it was always terrifying. Multiple times I had scares that required additional biopsies, on both breasts. Then, two years ago, I had to have a small spot removed that was deemed very high-risk. Doctors are excellent during treatment, but they don’t prepare you for the emotional aftermath, the yearly dread, and the constant vigilance. There is a heavy, invisible weight of constantly living on alert.

Sure, I was lucky it was caught early, and the statistics were on my side. But survival rate is different than recurrence rate - who wants to go through this again, even if we have high chances of surviving it??? If it came back, it could come back invasive. And then I’d be looking at a whole different battle, like chemo, and maybe a far more uncertain outcome. And though the statistics of survival are “good”, what if I fell on the “bad side”? I’m already an anxious person, and living in fear, and waiting for the other shoe to drop was eroding my quality of life.

So two years ago, I made my decision: double mastectomy. I went back to my doctor, who once again gently and professionally told me it wasn’t necessary. This time, I pushed back. “I know the statistics, but this is about my mental health. This is about my quality of life. I can’t keep living like this.”

She relented. And last January, I went through with it.

Listen, I’m not here to convince you to do it. This is a huge decision and it must be done carefully (it took me 7 years to do it). But if you take one thing from my story, let it be this: listen to the doctors and do your research. Ask other doctors and people you know who went through it. And then if you want to pursue a different route, you are allowed to advocate for yourself, even when the data says you’re fine. Your mental health counts too. Your peace of mind is a legitimate medical concern. You know your body and your limits better than anyone else.

If You’re Considering This: Implants vs. DIEP Flap

I want to share what I learned, and hopefully this will help. I was offered two main options:

Option 1: Silicone implants. Shorter surgery, shorter recovery. But implants are not lifetime devices. I was told by my surgeon that they last 10 to 20 years before needing replacement, and there was risk of rupture. H also told me that if I chose silicone, their ruptures may be “silent” with no visible symptoms, and after I researched it, I learned that the leak can potentially cause inflammation, and a symptoms like fatigue, joint pain, and brain fog (what some women and doctors refer to as “breast implant illness.”). At the time of my research, there was also a rare but real cancer risk called BIA-ALCL (breast implant-associated anaplastic large cell lymphoma), primarily linked to textured implants. The FDA explicitly states that breast implants are not lifetime devices and that patients should expect at least one additional surgery. If I didn’t have any other choice, I would go for this and would do a lot of surveillance, but I had another option.

Option 2: DIEP flap reconstruction. This is what I chose. It used tissue from my abdomen for reconstruction. If I lose weight, it will “shrink” with me, if I gain weight, it will grow with me. The surgery is longer (mine was eight hours) because they do reconstruction all at once, and there is the added recovery of your core / abdomen, so recovery takes about six weeks.

The surgery went very well, but recovery is not a walk in the park. And it’s where the story gets both harder and more beautiful.

The Village And The Things Hospitals Don’t Tell You

Before my surgery, I called the hospital to ask what I should buy to prepare for recovery. The nurse told me I was fine and didn’t need anything specific. I asked again: Are you sure? Nothing?? I mentioned a recliner, special shirts, and other gear, and she told me to just use several pillows to elevate my back during sleep, and nothing else.

Reader, that nurse was wrong. Alright, so technically she was right: sure, I would have survived not having anything else, but my life would have been infinitely worse if I didn’t.

Thank God for the women who had gone before me. I reached out to friends who’d had similar procedures, and they were extraordinary. They shared resources, told me exactly what to buy, and gave me tips on navigating recovery - information the hospital simply did not provide. Because of them, I knew to rent a recliner that could stand me up to a fully upright position (so I wouldn’t strain my abdomen). I in fact slept on it for 2 weeks, and renting that clunky ugly thing was the best thing I ever did. I knew to buy open-front shirts with built-in pockets for the surgical drains which, by the way, are the single worst part of recovery, but very manageable with the right gear. I can’t understand, for the life of me, why that nurse couldn’t just agree that those were good ideas!

(Side note to every hospital administrator reading this: put pockets for drains in the gowns. It would help your patients AND save a lot of your nurses’ time. You’re welcome.)

And then there was the meal train.

Nine of my friends organized a meal delivery for my family with delicious food every single day for a week, so my husband and mother-in-law wouldn’t have to worry about cooking while taking care of me during those crucial days. A small-town tradition, with me as its lucky recipient.

I felt so taken care of by friends, by family, by the dedicated nurses, and by my surgical team. I’ll never be able to thank my breast surgeon enough. Her precision, care and her super human team - the best. She introduced me to my plastic surgeon, who is not only technically brilliant but genuinely empathetic. There’s a special trust involved in letting someone reconstruct part of your body, and I was lucky to find a surgeon who is equal parts artist and human being.

A Love Letter

All in all, despite the trials and tribulation, the stress, anxiety and difficult decisions, I’m writing this not as a cautionary tale, but as a love letter.

To our bodies, these imperfect yet resilient, miraculous machines that carry us through everything and somehow keep going.

To the caregivers, the friends who show up with casseroles, the family members who hold your hand when you’re scared, and the women in your orbit who text to check on you six weeks later when everyone else has moved on.

To the nurses, who do the unglamorous, essential, tender work of keeping us alive and comfortable, and who deserve pockets in those gowns, honestly.

To the surgeons with skilled, steady-hands who fix us, and rebuild us.

And most of all, this is a love letter to the survivors. The ones who carry the anxiety before every scan, the worries about the statistics, the fears about not being there for your children and families, and the strength to keep going no matter what. You are brave, and you are not alone.

Angelina Jolie wrote in her op-ed: “Life comes with many challenges. The ones that should not scare us are the ones we can take on and take control of.” That was the most important thing for me. I can’t worry about things I don’t control, but I can choose to have peace of mind, to know I did my best for me and my family, and to regain a little more joy in my life.

Sending love and health,

Patricia

Spring has sprung (this week, at least!). I don’t think I could have taken another week of snow, and in honor of warmer weather, I selected 31 incredible pieces to refresh your wardrobe. Clothing, jewelry, shoes, bags, scarves… And the beauty of these items is that they can be mixed together in dozens of outfit options, and I’m sure most of them would work with your existing wardrobe.

But before we get to them (6 beautiful boards below), I have a special invite to share. My dad and grandfather suffered from dementia, and staying informed of the latest research, applying strategies for my current life to reduce cognitive decline, and helping those affected by supporting organizations that are advancing brain health is very important to me.

I am proud to celebrate organizations like CaringKind, a trusted partner in brain health, supporting families and individuals impacted by Alzheimer’s and related dementia.

So I’m so honored to have been selected to join 100 WOMEN OF IMPACT, a national movement of women leaders committed to shaping the future of brain health and well-being. Guided by shared purpose and compassion, we champion research that confirms Alzheimer’s and related dementia risk can be significantly reduced by up to 40%.

Convened by CaringKind, the movement brings together women leaders across sectors who understand that leadership carries a shared responsibility, advocacy and sustained action. It all starts with a conversation.

Please join me alongside my co-host’s and fellow Women Of Impact Meredith Burns, Melissa Breitbart, Jan Planit, and Amber Rae on Friday, March 27th from 12:30–2:30 PM at Veronica Beard in Southampton.

Join the conversation and learn more about what you can do to advance women’s brain health, shop with purpose and become part of an inspiring community of female leaders. Hope to see you there!

RSVP: SOUTHAMPTONRSVP@VERONICABEARD.COM

Now on to our Spring edit below, hope you love it! Sending love,

Patricia

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Hi there,

Every March 8th, the internet fills up with support for women. Brands that have never once considered the women in their supply chains suddenly find their feminist awakening. People proclaiming their outrage for the status quo, while only promoting men to higher positions. Companies launching philanthropic campaigns, collaborations with high profile women who lend them credibility, only to go back to business as usual in April. I’m tired of watching performance replace action in a moment when women can’t afford it. But it looks great on Instagram, doesn’t it?

I’m supportive of International Women’s Day, but I’d show up on a random Tuesday in October too because that’s what this work actually requires.

Matriark was built in 2019 on a single conviction: that supporting women is a given daily practice, not a marketing strategy. It’s the brands you choose, the businesses you recommend, the organizations you fund, and the women you champion in your own orbit every single day of the year, not just when there’s a hashtag for it.

When a woman’s business thrives, she hires other women, she funds her kids’ education, she donates to her community. Money in the hands of women doesn’t stay still, it moves, and it multiplies.

But women are still earning 84 cents for each dollar a man makes, the same relative wages as they were in 2002 (and, of course, the numbers are worse for women of color). At the current rate, it’ll take a whopping 48 years to reach parity in C-suite leadership. 42% of women face discrimination at work. 137 women and girls are killed every single day (60% by intimate partners or family). The data is damning.

So, as I always do, I’m sharing my favorite products from a very special list of 18 clothing, accessories and home decor brands from all over the world as my own way to change things within my reach, and a list of 25 organizations that are actually moving the needle for real women and girls. Use this list today, use it in June, use it on a Tuesday in October.

We’ve made a lot of strides, but there is still a lot to do, so let’s get to work. Happy Women’s History Month!

Sending love,

Patricia

17 of my favorite products and 1 place from amazing independent brands

Women-made, women-owned, women-powered.

1. Broyt is brand started by Eve Singer, featuring vintage finds. I love these tortoise shell French hair pins, modern and nostalgic at the same time. Through Broyt, Eve also creates meaningful gatherings, plans events and offers tableware rentals from her shop.

2. A tailored yet relaxed jacket by the brand Ossou, Co-Founded by Nina Khosla (founder of Fforme) and Talia Shuvalov (founder of Erede). “Ossou" is derived from the word "bone," symbolizing a foundational approach to wardrobe essentials. You’ll find many wardrobe staples at Ossou, but always with a modern twist.

3. Kiwi designer Jessica McCormack started designing jewelry to reinvigorate some of the antique jewelry making techniques that she had discovered while working at the jewelry department at Sotheby’s. Her pieces are instant heirlooms, and absolutely gorgeous. These Button Back diamond necklace and bracelet are a dream. Watch this fun video about her and her company.

4. A timeless and chic strapless organic cotton dress by Danish designer Malene Birger, whose creations reflect a sophisticated Scandinavian minimalism and luxurious utility.

5. I love too many items at TWP, but I’ve been looking for a soft denim trouser for a long time, and this cotton-linen piece is perfect. TWP stands for Trish Wescoat Pound, who blends the utilitarian spirit of the American Midwest with a metropolitan sensibility. Working with her daughter Jillian, a stylist, Trish designs clothes that are stylish, modern, wearable and timeless.

6. This is a remarkable 1850’s one-of-a-kind corset available at Desert Vintage, a shop that called Tucson's iconic 4th Avenue home since 1974, offering a carefully selected collection of unique vintage and antique pieces for both men and women. Since Salima Boufelfel and Roberto Cowan took the helm in 2012, the shop has built a loyal following by blending timeless finds with a modern sensibility, making one-of-a-kind style accessible and wearable for everyone. Run, don’t walk!

7. Australian Designer Danielle Milojevic designs pieces that allow individuality to radiate through, and this fun T-shirt from her brand Antipodean is a great example.

8. Love this long glamorous dress by Aflalo, which also comes in black if you are feeling less adventurous. Designer Yael Aflalo is also the Founder of Reformation.

9. Very affordable and cool eyewear, with a great mix of sunglasses too. Stock for for summer! The models wear the Jane and the Dakota. Designer Elisa Johnson founded her eponymous brand in May 2021. Elisa studied fashion in New York City, and noticed a lack of options in the market for eyewear, and the small number of Black owned brands. Her pieces have the craftsmanship and elevated designs of luxury brands, at a far more accessible price point.

10. Wales Boner Julien Slipper is a modern version of the ballerina, with a higher vamp and a feminine lace with metal tip. In addition to designing for her own line, Grace Wales Bonner has been appointed as the new Creative Director of Menswear at Hermès.

11. 2025 CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund Winner Ashlynn Park’s peplum blouse is super feminine and yet so modern, the perfect piece for warmer weather.

12. Zero Maria Cornejo has been on the forefront of sustainable fashion for years, and I love her organic cotton Takeo Pant. We sold this in our store in Sag Harbor, and the fit was amazing.

13. A gorgeous embroidered placemat that you can add initials to. You can tell Oeuvres Sensibles has a creative, free, and artistic hand, all because of its Founder Sarah Espeute, who strives to restore value to objects through artisanal work, encouraging a new way of looking at design.

14. Anima Mundi has so many incredible concoctions, but her Collagen Booster Powder is my favorite.

15. A beautiful set of 4 dessert silver shell-bowl spoons, adding more sparkle and personality to your table. Les Objoies is a Paris-based brand dedicated to celebrating the emotional connection we share with objects. Founder Océane Buret sources pieces from all over France, Italy, and beyond.

16. A. 4 in 1 candle accessory, it works as a snuffer, a burnt wick + mushroom trimmer, a wet wax rescue spoon, and a smokeless wick dipper. If you burn candles often, you will know this is a life saver. Check the videos of its functions here (scroll down the page to see). Swand’s Founder Susan Nichols (who is also an inventor of yogitoes® designed a candle care tool that was both functional and worthy of her altar or her coffee table.

17. Well designed headboards are hard to come by, and custom pieces can be a small fortune. I love this company because they have a few ready to sell items, but can also do custom pieces that are actually chic and beautiful. My favorite shape is the Provence (pictured here), but there are 3 more options, each coming in 7 different sizes. Ylse Atelier is based in Sweden - their skilled upholsterers work in their own atelier in Frihamnen, Stockholm, and they operate with an all-women team. Daniella Peri (CEO) and Mikaela Rosén started the brand in late 2023 and want to make it easy to customize a beautiful bedroom.

I love when a space takes on different personalities. Maison Welles is a cultural home in Greenwich Village, encompassing a café, champagne lounge, and retail space. But the space vocation is is much bigger than that: Founder Ana McNeill built this space for creators and thinkers, and designed for conversation, creativity, and celebration.

25 great organizations to support and donate

Your dollars can fund legal battles, shelters, microloans, job training, and advocacy that changes laws. If you can give even anything, give it here.

All Against Abuse

Asian American Feminist Collective

Black Girls Code

Center for Reproductive Rights

Days for Girls International

Educate Girls Globally

Every Mother Counts

Girls Inc.

Girls Not Brides

Global Fund for Women

Gloria’s Foundation

Madre

Malala Fund

Ms. Foundation for Women

Outright International

National Indigenous Women’s Resource Center

Planned Parenthood

Shared Hope International

The Family Equality Council

The Loveland Foundation

The Trevor Project

Together Rising

Vital Voices

Women’s Alzheimer’s Movement

Women for Women International

Hi there,

Are you watching Love Story, the new series about John F. Kennedy Jr. and Carolyn Bessette Kennedy? I’m surprised by my reaction to it. I lived through the 90s, and I’m not usually into nostalgia, but I was hit with this heartache, a combination of grief and longing for that era.

Back then, we only had tabloids, magazines, and the news. No Instagram, no curated content feed, no quick missives on Threads. And so we only got fragments of John and Carolyn: a photograph outside their apartment in Tribeca, a grainy image at an airport, or a glimpse of that stunning Narciso Rodriguez slip dress at their secret wedding.

For straight women of that era, John was the idea of a man. He rollerbladed without a shirt through Manhattan, and rode his bike in a suit on his way to work. He picked his dog Friday’s poop as a good citizen would. I still remember seeing that photo in a tabloid while waiting in line at the supermarket.

He walked around with nonchalance and with an impossible shadow: he was the son of Camelot, member of one of the most iconic American families, raised by Jackie Kennedy Onassis. American royalty without a crown, historical, and almost mythological. And yet he seemed entirely unburdened by it. Or at least, he made it look that way, which was a huge part of his appeal.

And then there was her.

Carolyn Bessette walked into public consciousness blond, severe in the best way, and always stylish without ever seeming to try. Her connection to Calvin Klein gave her an edge that went beyond fashion; she was the 90s, personified. For those of us who were born outside the United States, she was almost unreal. She looked like what America promised to be, the most distilled, sophisticated and aspirational version of itself: powerful, modern, cool, and devastatingly beautiful.

But it all ended 3 years after their wedding.

I was traveling for work to Boulder, Colorado when the news broke. The shock was breathtaking. I immediately thought of Princess Diana and, like her, it felt like a cruel loss of members of a royal family whose lives were in the precipice of blooming.

Fast forward to almost 27 years later, and here we are, with unlimited access to the most intimate and exhausting details of everyone’s lives. Spectacle, click bait, vulgarity and outrageousness seem the only way to relevance.

There’s a lot of nostalgia for 90s fashion right now (too much, to be honest), but Love Story makes me long for something much harder to find: people whose lives make me quietly raise my own standards, and who exude chicness in the broadest sense. As a way of being, a way of moving through life with depth, beauty and mystery. John and Carolyn had it. They were the last of something. We just didn’t know it yet.

Sending love and 90s nostalgia,

Patricia

Hi there,

When my children were small, their teachers had a ritual I loved: sending them outside to hunt for signs of spring. They’d come back with photos of a green sprout, a brave little bud, or a bird flying.

I find myself wanting to do the same thing this week, but… February. There is still snow outside my door from a storm that arrived four weeks ago and never quite left.

What I have, in the meantime, are my hellebores. Helleborus. Winter rose. The only flower with enough nerve to bloom when everything else has given up entirely.

Some of mine are buried under that snow right now, alive (I hope), and plotting their return. Others have come inside, and are currently living on my kitchen counter, waiting for parole. They are jade and cream and the palest buttery yellow, and every morning when I walk past them, I think: soon.

This week’s newsletter is my version of the spring hunt. Nine pieces I am coveting in the colors of my hellebores — jade, butter, white. Cool and hopeful and quietly alive.

Scroll down to shop my signs of spring, I hope they inspire you too. 🌿

Sending love,

Patricia

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Hi there,

I didn’t want to write this, but I have been consumed with these thoughts. This week’s newsletter is my attempt to metabolize some of the unbelievable things that are happening now, and I hope it helps you do the same.

Can ANY men be trusted? Are men capable of true love? I mean love that costs something. I’m not talking about attraction, loyalty to their own, or love for their reputation or their own children.

This is what I have been asking myself as the Epstein revelations continue to unravel, each layer more depraved than the last. I’m not here to discuss proven predators; those we already know belong in prison. But what do we make out of the men who attended the dinners, took the flights, enjoyed the access, laughed at the jokes, accepted the favors, and looked the other way? The men who (as far as we know) did not necessarily commit crimes, but who decided that their friend’s crimes against children were not a deal breaker? Am I even saying that out loud???

And GTFOH with the “It wasn’t all men.”

I can’t with people saying this. Of course it wasn’t all, 100% men. But it is overwhelmingly men. There may be a few token women in this story, but pointing to exceptions is not the same thing as reckoning with a disturbing and obvious pattern. And by the way, notice this: so far, the only person in prison, as vile, abhorrent and guilty as she is, is a woman. Interesting. Can you just imagine if the majority of the people involved in this case were women? But I digress.

Look, I’m not saying there aren’t good men in the world. But the question is: how many of them would have kept their integrity intact had they been in the same situation? Maybe not all men did it because not all men were invited? Integrity is behavior under pressure. The lid has been blown open and what makes us think this is not happening everywhere else? And again, can any man be trusted??? I want to believe so, and I want my hope in humanity to be restored, but given the circumstances, maybe we shouldn’t hold our breath.

So what does love have to do with this?

How could so many of these grown men, many married with children, speak fluently about their love for their families, humanity, philanthropy, consciousness, spirituality, compassion, and wellness, yet also be complicit, tell disgusting jokes, break bread, support, and share rarefied private plane oxygen with predators?

Well, money and ambition gets conveniently prioritized over their kind of “love”, that’s how.

True, expansive love, practiced fully, can be a potent moral compass and an anti-corruption device.

These man are plenty capable of true love, but they chose against it because it would have required opting out of situations that enriched them. If they had chosen true love, the kind that demands losing something you benefit from, the kind that requires looking beyond yourself and breaking up with powerful “friends,” they would have drawn a line. Certain rooms would have become unbearable. Certain friendships and certain money would have turned radioactive. But instead, money, power, and access won. Every time.

Bad Bunny was right. The only thing more powerful than hate is love. True love. But that means someone has to choose it and, so far, men’s track record suggests they will not. I’ve been saying this forever: the world doesn’t need more men in power pretending they care. We need more women in charge of money. We need more women in rooms where decisions of great magnitude are being made to balance unchecked men hoarding wealth and objectifying women and girls with no consequences. The world needs men to be held accountable for their hateful decisions, chief among them the abuse of innocent women and children.

Maybe lives would have been saved and so much pain and suffering avoided if the men in Epstein’s circle had an iota of integrity, cared enough to seek money and power elsewhere, and used their incredible influence to protect less powerful people. Maybe all it would have taken was ONE man who dissented.

But no one did. We now have proof of what happens when powerful men are in charge with no checks and balances. Some of them may not have committed crimes, but their mere silence and participation is enough to let us know they can’t be trusted ever again.

And some may say “when women have this kind of power, they will be corrupted too”. Well, why don’t we try and see? I am willing to place some bets.

Enough of this boy’s club already.

Sending love, the expansive type,
Patricia

Hi there,

When I was first imagining how Matriark would exist in the world, I kept coming back to the same image: a garden. A living ecosystem where women-owned brands could grow, women-focused ideas could take root, and women could thrive.

Years later, that metaphor feels even more accurate. The older I get, the more I understand that gardens—literal or otherwise—require intention, patience, and showing up. In return, they offer beauty and awe, and a a steadiness that can inspire and soothe us in both good times and bad.

I’m heartbroken by the news cycle, the horrifying revelations in the Epstein files, and violence against our own citizens, and I’ve found refuge and relief among trees, dirt, and fresh air in my local gardens and in nature.

Which is why, for Galentine’s and Valentine’s Day, whether you’re celebrating romantic love, chosen family, lifelong friendships, or self-love, I decided to skip the gift guide and suggest something else instead: I learned that the New York Botanical Garden was launching a new exhibition—The Orchid Show: Mr. Flower Fantastic’s Concrete Jungle—and it immediately struck me as a beautiful way to share and experience love.

This exhibition is a love letter to NYC that we all benefit from, where the artist turns mundane things like signage, a subway stop, fire escape, fences, and benches and a laundromat into awe inspiring flower sculptures.

I’m still recovering from surgery, so I couldn’t attend the press preview myself, (I will visit soon), but I spoke with NYBG spokesperson Zachary Leibovitch and sent Laura Olster, one of Matriark’s trusted correspondents, to experience it firsthand. Scroll for details and for beautiful photos that I hope will entice you to visit, or inspire you to experience your local parks and gardens if you aren’t in NYC.

One of Lauren’s personal favorites were the laundromat, and the yellow orchids (Phaelaenopsis) flanking the carwash station. The subway station is Zachary’s favorite. I think it’s going to be hard to pick mine!

Fun facts: there are 7,000 individual plants and flowers at NYBG, and 5,000 different specimens in the orchid collection. The orchids are bred from a very small group of species and hybridized over time to create every size and color pattern imaginable. And there is something you can only feel in person: the lovely fragrance of the Cattleya orchids.

A Mysterious Artist and his Blooming Concrete Jungle

The artist behind it all, Mr. Flower Fantastic, remains anonymous and never shows his face, letting the flowers do the talking. Raised in Queens, his love of flowers started in his mother’s garden and evolved into a self-taught, multidisciplinary practice blending floral design with fashion, pop culture, and sneaker culture.

He believes that flowers uplift, reconnect us to nature, and remind us that beauty can thrive in the most unexpected places.

And in the times we are living in, this exhibition feels like a salve. It’s joyful, whimsical, fun and beautiful.

I’m excited to visit soon, and I hope you can go too.

Bring someone you love, or someone you’re still getting to know. Or just yourself. Bathe in the beauty of the orchids, the artist’s creative energy, and the peaceful grounds of NYBG.

It’s on from February 7 through April 26th.

Sending you love and orchids 🌸
Patricia

Hi there,

I recently had major (preventative) surgery. I am well, healthy, healing, and deeply grateful. But this I know for sure: being a patient is like being a project manager under anesthesia.

I was treated by extraordinary doctors in a state-of-the-art hospital, and learned first-hand how surgeons, nurses, and staff are working around the clock, saving lives, and doing deeply human work inside an inhuman system.

The surgery itself was long, eight hours, and successful. I planned, prepared, and asked many questions beforehand. What no one prepares you for is what comes after. You are groggy, vulnerable, barely in your body, and suddenly responsible for managing your own care inside a machine that never slows down and often feels like a roller coaster.

My 2 main surgeons were off because it was the weekend, so I saw their teams. But… shifts! So every 12 hours, a new team. New faces, new questions, different moods and bedside manners. Rinse and repeat.

“My back really hurts.”
“Yes, eight hours on a table will do that.”
[Silence] “Okay, so can we treat it? Painkillers are no working on my back”
“Sure, we will get you a patch.” (off protocol)

The nurse forgot about it, then her shift ended. Rinse and repeat. Explain again to a new nurse. Wait again. The patch was finally applied two hours later.

“My stomach burns.”
“It’s nausea from the anesthesia, right?”
“I had nausea earlier but this doesn’t feel like nausea. Could it be oral medication on an empty stomach?”
“Maybe, but probably from anesthesia.”
[Silence] “Okay, so can we treat it?”
“OK, I’ll get the anti-acid” (off protocol)

At another point, after being administered a muscle relaxer, my blood pressure dropped. Despite the exhaustion, I explained clearly, calmly, repeatedly: “It’s probably the medication. My dad had the same reaction.”

Every nurse rechecked my vitals. Nah…

“It’s probably the drowsiness from anesthesia.”

Twelve hours later, my blood pressure mysteriously normalized.

“Could it be because my medication wore off?”
“Maybe, but nah… probably the anesthesia.”

I don’t think the nurses or doctors were purposefully cruel or careless. But I’m convinced that something more insidious takes over their jobs: a generalized selective hearing to protect protocol over person. Getting off script for the sake of the patient means you have to listen, work harder, justify it to your boss, and it may cost more (even your job).

Then came the discharge conversation that almost pushed me over the edge.

I live 2.5 hours away. I was still nauseated, weak, and burning with stomach pain. I said multiple times that I did not feel safe getting into a car.

A young doctor from one of the surgical teams looked at me and said, flatly:

“I know you’re not feeling well, but with medication, you’ll be able to be discharged later today.”

She visited twice and said the same thing, even though I repeated how I felt. When she returned for her last visit, already dark outside, she asked:

“It’s been many hours, so you should be feeling better and ready to go home, right?”

“I feel exactly the same,” I said. “I am not comfortable leaving. I already spoke to the nurses and my husband agrees, we can’t leave today.”

Her face dropped. She was visibly annoyed. I had disrupted her plans and interrupted the system. I threw the wrench in the machine.

“Okay,” she said. “We’ll plan discharge tomorrow.”

Then she turned around and left. No “I hope you feel better” or “Is there anything else I can do?”

She was cold, but also intelligent, trained, efficient, and operating inside a structure that sometimes treats patients like the chocolates in the I Love Lucy conveyor belt scene. Except that patients are not chocolates, staff shouldn’t work like Lucy, and the consequences are not funny.

To add insult to injury, we already know that women are far more likely to be gaslit in medical settings. Our symptoms are minimized and our instincts questioned. Self-advocacy is applauded until you are medicated, exhausted, scared, and still expected to argue for your own safety, only to be labeled a difficult patient.

I had every possible advantage: excellent insurance, top-tier doctors, a non-life threatening issue, I was conscious and had an advocate with me. My husband did not need to speak. His presence alone was enough to lend credibility to what I was already saying. Infuriating, but true.

If this was hard for me, what happens to patients without all these advantages?

This newsletter is a call to look honestly at a system that forces even the most compassionate professionals to move too fast, listen too little, and default to protocol over human beings. I can’t change the Medical-Industrial Complex on my own, but I can share what I learned in hopes you are prepared if you ever need it. These are not medical nor legal tips, just things I learned through my experience.

🩺 Never go alone. The hospital I stayed only allowed 1 night for my husband (instead of 2 or 3), but we pushed hard to get this. I wasn’t going to spend the night alone after major surgery. Advocacy is nearly impossible when you are vulnerable. Bring someone who can listen, remember, repeat, and push when you cannot. Ask them to take notes on everything said and done. Ask them to stand up next to you whenever possible when doctors and nurses arrive. If they can’t stay overnight, debrief them in the morning and ask them to push for the things you need. If you aren’t able to communicate after a procedure (ask your doctor about those details!), make clear of your specific preferences to your Advocate before you go.

🩺 Be very specific. Vague pain gets dismissed and can lead to mistakes. Ask your advocate to help you communicate clearly. If you get intimidated by a doctor or nurse, ask them to give you ideas of what it could be, and maybe you can buy a little time and find the right word. Sometimes they may unintentionally “lead the witness” (it happened to me - “it’s nausea, right?”), but try to stick to it and don’t give in. If you have a hard time saying no, you can say “maybe, but this doesn’t quite feel right yet”. But don’t agree if you know it’s not true.

🩺 If you know something in your body, don’t let it go. Ask again, say it differently, ask for confirmation. Ask your advocate to repeat it. Persistence is self-preservation, and sometimes crucial for your survival. Act like your life depends on it - because it does! When my back hurt so much and painkillers wouldn’t help, I asked the doctor to check my lungs for pneumonia. I knew it was probably muscle pain, but I asked for peace of mind and they agreed to check. I was relieved.

I am profoundly grateful for my care, and I am equally convinced we can and must do better.

We are one unique body, and one precious life. A system designed to save us when we cannot save ourselves should not require this much work when we are this vulnerable.

More soon on my surgery.
For now, my priorities are rest, healing, and a refusal to be quiet when something is not right.

Love,
Patricia

Hi there,

We all know the story: we have roughly one million photos living somewhere in a cloud. We take pictures daily, share a handful on whatever social platform, and never look at them again. They’re all tiny digital souvenirs of moments interesting enough to capture, with many worthy of existing IRL. So why don’t we print them? To me, it’s not the editing or printing itself that turns me off. It’s the logistics and inflexibility of making a real photo album that give me anxiety: Do I build a digital one first or just make a real album? What if I want to print more and it runs out of pages? Does it have enough space for me to write on? What if I want to add later? Surely I could ask someone to do it, but how much of the work I still have to do it before delegating it? I am exhausted already, so I do nothing instead.

Last summer, when I went to Japan for two months, I was hell-bent on not letting those memories die a quiet death in my phone. I wanted something physical and real, so I had to force myself to create a method that made things easier for me to print and assemble my favorite photos without turning this into a full time job. Then, my mom came to visit for the holidays (she’s been asking for printed photos) and I ran out of excuses.

There were thousands of photos. Sifting through them was a reminder that I should have edited as I took them (who does that, though?), but also a joy to relive the trip with my family.

In today’s newsletter, I’m sharing my method which requires zero crafting skills. The only thing I had was a printer (yes, I lost my mind and printed every photo, but you don’t need to if you send them out to Staples like a normal person), an Amazon account to get the materials (not many) and a huge desire to free your most loved photos from your camera roll.

I’m also sharing a few pages from my own book so you get some ideas and hopefully get inspired to just start. I didn’t want this to be an art project, or something for Pinterest because I would agonize over every page and never finish. This just needs to be personal - and that’s exactly the point.

Time had already started to soften our memories and, taking the images out of the cloud, and bringing them to this material world made my trip real again. Now we can share it without unlocking a phone or passing a screen around. I printed all the photos before my mom left, and we are still working on getting everything laid out. It was a lot of work (it was a long trip after all) but I know one day I’ll be grateful we actually did this.

Scroll down for the shopping list and examples of my printed photos. Sending love,

Patricia

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Hi there,

[Before we start, I want to be clear about one thing: this newsletter isn’t about judging or shaming anyone who struggles with alcohol addiction. Addiction is real, complex, and deeply personal. I’m talking here about social drinking culture and my own relationship with alcohol, not about recovery journeys that deserve respect and care.]

Despite the homeschooling, the chaos, and being together all day, every day, during Covid something unexpected happened in our house: my husband and I drank less. Believe me, nobody was more shocked than we were.

We realized something profound: our drinking had very little to do with liking alcohol itself. It was purely social. We drank because the people around us drank. When the social calendar disappeared, so did the desire, and once it was gone, we didn’t miss it. Not even during math homework. 🙃

As our social life slowly resumed, we found ourselves increasingly allergic to situations where alcohol was the only glue holding people together. We realized we had no shared values, no real curiosity, and no intimacy with some of our social circles, so we stopped going.

Then, recently I had a long conversation with a friend who’s been sober for a few months, and she confided in me that she drank with friends because she isn’t good enough, and needed the extra help to be less boring, smarter, and more interesting. And that now that she is no longer drinking, she’s feeling very insecure about her identity and personality. I gave her a hug and told her the truth (because it is the truth): she’s fun, a wonderful person, and far more interesting sober!

I know that the world is a dumpster fire and it’s hard not to numb. But what if the only way to change our lives (and maybe the world) is to stay sober enough to sit with what’s broken, what’s unbearable, and what demands our attention, instead of checking out?

Before anyone calls me a party pooper, I’m not anti-drinking. I’m just anti-alcohol being the crutch and the only language we share.

I’m trying to build a life that I don’t need to escape from, one that doesn’t require dulling the edges to belong, or being inebriated to tolerate people I don’t like or spaces I’d rather not be in. I want relationships that are great when I’m fully sober, awake, and myself. I now plan long walks, morning coffee, non-alc drinks and delicious lunches and conversations with friends and smart people I like, or who need my help in any way. And of course sometimes we have dinner and drinks, but not too much because we don’t need alcohol to make our time interesting and fun – our presence is enough.

If you’re sober curious, I’ve been drinking Aplós for a few years now. I first learned about it because I met its wonderful co-founder, Emily Onkey, a Hamptons resident and a fellow mom. I tried it, and never bought another non-alcoholic beverage again. They recently sent me a box for Dry January, and we’ll be drinking it this month and all year long (no, I’m not writing this because they sent me the box. If you know me, you’ve seen me serve Aplós at our Matriark Salons, gifting friends, and drinking it at home). My favorite flavor is Chili Margarita, but I love their Sober Curious Bundle to sample their flavors.

They can also be used in cocktails with alcohol, so you don’t need to feel deprived. Try them out and let me know which one is your favorite, you can also get some recipe ideas here!

Either way, I hope you don’t fall for that lie that you need booze to be a better version of yourself. You are far more interesting sober! Cheers, lots of love, and happy Dry January.

Here is a photo of the fun box I received from Emily and our friends at Aplós:

Talk to you next week!

Patricia

Hi there,

I hope you are doing OK and that the news cycle whiplash has been somehow manageable for you. I was born in Brazil, so Venezuela, Columbia and all our neighbors are very much in my mind now. I am mentally exhausted, and I’m afraid that the only thing I can offer you this week is some escape from this deranged world. I have learned over the years that refocusing on pleasure and beautiful things is an amazing privilege and not a cowardly escape. It’s a great way to replenish and reload for whatever work you’ll do next. If you are a Republican, and you believe this country needs to stop the madness, please call your representatives - right now, this is our only chance.

OK…onwards to this week’s programming.

On a brighter note, I can’t bear it when models and celebrities are asked about their beauty routine and respond with: “I drink a lot of water.” Give. Me. A. Break.

Nothing against H2O. I even bought those enormous 56oz water jugs. It lives next to my laptop, filled with good intentions and filtered water (photo below and link here if you care to try). Some days I do great. Other days… the jug is mostly decorative.

But no copious amount of water will ever be enough to keep your skin supple and plump once you’re over 40 (hell, let’s say 30) unless you are a freak, biologically speaking.

I’ve shared my skincare routine in this newsletter before (skincare obsession is one of my most consistent personality traits), but winter skin is a different sport altogether. Dry heat and freezing temperatures are when your usual lineup suddenly feels under-qualified. Winter is not the season to f*ck around and find out.

Which brings me to my personal coping strategy: a superbly rich face cream, applied with confidence.

Since that last newsletter, as Bethenny Frankel would say, I did the Lord’s work and tried a lot more products, and edited them down to the top 12 exceptional face creams (including some affordable yet very effective K Beauty and Japanese items) to help us all survive winter, and whose only side effects may include a flood of compliments on your new glow, and endless questions about your beauty routine.

Feel free to answer: water… with a very healthy dollop of cream.

Sending love, lots of hydration, and the best wishes and hope for world peace,

Patricia

.

1. My friend Rowaida Younes, who is an expert in skincare and beauty and the Founder of Rowm, highly recommended this cream, which is enriched with prebiotics and rice proteins. While you are at it, you can get their body cream and, if you are in NYC / Brooklyn, call them to schedule a facial, I highly recommend it!

2. We all know that SK II* Pitera Facial Treatment Essence is amazing, and to compliment that (or using it alone), I love their SKINPOWER Advanced Cream.

3. This is a very hydrating whipped mask, great for those nights by the fire.

4. I love talon balms for the face and for those dry areas on our elbows and knees. And this one is super special because not only they are 100% organic and made in the Hudson Valley, but they are also made by this cool non-profit organization* focused on commitment to sustainability, fairness, and community. While you are browsing, check their strawberry jam, and their sought after IYKYK merch and collabs.

5. I would buy all of the Chantecaille* creams, but this one also corrects dark spots, so it’s a welcomed bonus.

6. I have used this cream intermittently in the last few years, and it’s back in my vanity this winter.

7. I like this brand for their clean beauty commitment, and their prices are amazing. This K Beauty cream* is very nourishing and at 17 bucks, it’s also a great gift for the teen kids in your life.

8. This is a Japanese cream* that I got in Tokyo; it’s reasonably affordable, and very effective.

9. This is a must for cold climates and if you love being outdoors skiing, hiking or just catching up with your friends while you walk, slather this cream under your sunscreen, and you are good to go.

10. I have resisted using snail creams for years for the obvious cringe inducing reasons, but I can’t deny they are excellent for my skin. Try this one*, another K Beauty brand, it really worked for me.

11. This one has the same effect of Dr. Sturm’s cream at a fraction of the cost, however it has fragrance, so if that’s a dal breaker for you, stay with Dr. Sturm’s cream.

12. This is a lovely balm, and perfect for very dry skin and for when you are in recovery from treatments or skin issues. They say this helps repair a damaged skin barrier post-procedure or due to laser treatments, retinol, or other irritants. Day to day it just feels amazing when you are in the dry heat and need that extra boost of nourishing and hydration.

Hope this helped! See you next week,

Patricia

Hi there,

Happy New Year! I don’t do resolutions (they’ve never worked for me), but I do like setting intentions. And this year’s is refreshingly simple: I’m done abandoning myself. I’m moving toward what feels true and away from anything that requires shape-shifting or shrinking.

Now, that’s easier said than done, especially for people of color, who often have to shape-shift just to stay safe, respected, or employed. Livelihoods are very much at stake. And while I’ve enjoyed enormous privilege, I could easily write a book about what it means to move through certain spaces as an Asian woman in the Hamptons. It could go full celebrity tabloid or straight-up comedy horror, it’s been that wild. But I digress.

Back to the point: the search for “our people” and “our place” is lifelong and constantly evolving, and the plot twist remains the same. We don’t find either by contorting ourselves into something more palatable. We find them by showing up as who we are, when and where we can. Which means understanding that rejection is often just redirection in disguise, and that editing our lives is just as important as adding to them: releasing relationships we’ve outgrown, stepping back from spaces that make us feel inadequate, and saying no without apologies.

The same goes for our screen time. Did you start that purge yet? Who is worth your time and scroll? I’m now actively reassessing who I follow, who I listen to, and what energy I allow to sneak into my nervous system through my phone.

Yes, I will continue to watch an unreasonable number of videos featuring funny dogs and miniature Highland cows (my closest friends get daily DMs), and will try to limit my follows to the ones informing, educating, inspiring, or just minding their business, being their kind selves.

So my hope for all of us in 2026 is this: that by choosing what feels aligned and honest, we cultivate relationships with friends, family, partners, and collaborators that are life-enhancing, supportive, and strengthening for everyone involved.

Cheers to the best year yet. What a time to be alive and aligned!

Sending you love, great health, and prosperity. 🥂

Patricia

Hi there,

Not one family is perfect. Many of us sit at holiday tables with relatives as divided as the “United” States of America. Some of us are lucky enough to have a wonderful family, but they are all just as imperfect with their own brand of disfunction (I’m afraid nobody is imune).

And as always, women are the glue, the calm, the hostess, and the mediator, silently carrying the emotional weight so everyone else can enjoy their time. When you layer the current state of the world on top of it all, it’s safe to say that many of us are walking into some very tricky family gatherings this year.

So on this Christmas Day (if you celebrate), in lieu of a perfect Hallmark Christmas, I hope you are surrounded by love, steadiness, and a kind of peace that makes you totally unbothered, even if for just one day. May your day be blessed with people who make you feel appreciated and safe, whether they’re the ones you were born into or the ones you wisely chose along the way. Wishing you and yours a blissful, drama-free and very Merry Christmas! 🎄

Sending love,

Patricia

* our cover today is an homage to Rob Reiner and his wife Michele Singer Reiner. They used their power and influence to do good in this world: creating art, defending our First Amendment rights, fighting for a healthy early childhood development, and same-sex marriage (a cause Matriark always supported). Let this be a reminder that the world is full of good people. Look for the helpers, Mr. Rogers used to say. Look for the helpers. ❤️

Hi there,

Parties don’t hold the same allure they once did. We’re drinking less (thank goodness), taking better care of ourselves, and fiercely protecting our sleep. Club culture is essentially dead, and most of us are no longer Studio 54 types. We’re day beings now, which makes throwing a proper party after 6 pm a tall order.

And yet, this time of year, the pressure intensifies with all the holiday festivities. When the invitations roll in, it’s a mixed bag of 3 types of parties: have to go, can’t wait to attend, or immediately no (which are very rare for me, but a party after 10pm at a club is definitely one of them!).

Ideally (to me, at least), a party I can’t wait to attend has the right mix of lovely people who add fun, depth, wit, and just enough drama to make you forget to check your phone. Bonus if they have drinks that don’t run out, healthy food that’s actually tasty, and music that understands the assignment, but all forgiven if the guests more than make up for any lackluster food-and-beverage details.

Reality, however, often looks like this: it’s cold and dark at 4:30pm, and although it would normally take a miracle to get us out the door after sunset (let alone to stay out past 9 pm), we begrudgingly get ready and finally leave the house. To your husband’s company holiday party, where an employee treated the open bar as a personal challenge before choosing you to confess all her sins. To the Secret Santa party with your neighbors, who have clearly mastered the art of re-gifting, and some you wish lived farther away. To your boss’s impeccable house, styled with expensive white furniture, making you skip the red wine and sit through your co-workers bad jokes sober.

We’d do anything to skip these parties. But these fall squarely under the “have to go” category, so we do it because we’re supportive and emotionally generous people. Or because our livelihood sort of depends on it. We show up. We smile. We do the thing.

So, today I’m sharing my favorite 11 dresses that look glamorous but never fussy: dresses you can walk, sit, dance in, and wear more than once without regret.

Dresses that carry you through awkward conversations (and out the door by 9) with equal ease.

So go, support, laugh, learn and hydrate.
Hold your boundaries and leave when you’re ready, which for me, it’s sooner rather than later. Even when I can’t wait to attend.

Enjoy the edit and party on! Sending love,

Patricia

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